What should I say here? I'm not really sure... I don't want to end this blog but I guess I have to move on. After SS4SG, I became so dysfunctional since I miss them everyday especially Donghae. I want more of them. Yes, I've become so greedy but if it's the only way to see them again, then just let me be greedy.
Yes, I want more. I mean it. And I will make sure to achieve it. Going to Singapore and watching SS4 has been the happiest days of my life so far but I will make sure to have more in the future. Life is too short for me and I've wasted so many years of my life just doing nothing to make me happy. I thought I was happy being in love with someone but that person was also the reason of my heartbreak.
I never thought I would reach this phase of my life when 15 boys would be able to control everything. Sometimes I feel I'm too stressed for this but I don't regret anything. They are not just "celebrities" but they have become part of my life. Part of me. They gave me happiness more than I could imagine. They let me experience unconditional love. The kind of love where I don't expect anything but still feel satisfied. They made me feel like I'm not just a fan but a friend whom they care for.
When I started to become an ELF last April 17, 2011, I've always wanted to become part of the sapphire blue sea. And that dream was achieved in Singapore last February 18 and 19, 2012, after my 10th ELF monthsary. I felt overwhelmed being able to be in the same place and breathe the same air with my boys. It felt like I was able to escape from a prison and experienced freedom for the first time. A classmate of mine even asked me how high my dopamine levels were during the concert and I just answered him "much higher than that of metamphetamine!" It was euphoria. It was better than life itself. I may be exaggerating things here, but those were my real feelings. I shouted until my throat hurts, I jumped until I got bruises and I cried until my eyes became dry.
After it all ended, I thought it would be alright. But no. It was not okay. I craved for more. Every time I reminisce all the things that happened, my heart aches. I miss them. I miss him. I want to see them again. If I were born from a rich family, then it would have been easier. But I'm not, so I had to endure all these longing. Every time SM announces new SS4 schedule, I always feel the rush to buy concert tickets. I had to stop myself or else my father would kill me. I'm not really sure when I could get over this or would I be able to.
I thank all my SS4SG travelmates: Hyukcien, Missiwon, Chriskyu and Heemmy for being with me in those days. Thank you for supporting me in my dream. We all have the same dream and being with you has been the best. I hope to do all other fangirling endeavors with you soon.
I would be even very much willing to spend the rest of my life with you guys and support these 15 boys until the end...
- dawnhae ^_^ -